After talking to a good friend, and relative of mine, I decided to actually review something that I didn't give 5 stars to. To review a movie I did not enjoy that much. A negative review, that is. And if anyone out there is giving this title a positive review, please feel free to fall into a well. So without further adieu, here we go.
The Expendables 2: (2012) R (Action/Comedy)
Starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, and Jean-Claude Van Damme
Overview - The second installment of an aging team of Mercenaries who take on missions against incredible odds, and somehow come out on top. This time the evil Vilain (really creative name) played by Van Damme is collecting something to create weapons to destroy stuff. But Stallone's character Barney Ross (2nd worst hero name ever) is out to stop him before the world falls into the hands of this Belgian ballerina (not his character, it's what Van Damme really is).
Review - When I first saw the trailer for this, I ain't gonna lie. I was tickled. Mostly because the first "Expendables" was a lot of fun. Aging Mercs who's sole purpose in life is to blow crap up. How is that not a win? So when the sequel came out, I was expecting nothing less. Boy was I let down. I have only fallen asleep in 1 movie, back in the late 90s, but this one had me dozing. Which is incredibly sad because I thrive on a good action flick. The script was written by Richard Wenk ("The Mechanic"/"Vamp") and Stallone himself. It goes without saying, but maybe Sylvester needs to spend more time tearing the bad guy apart with his bare hands, and less time trying to figure out how to type with those sausages he calls fingers. Not to mention that Wenk has written pretty much bogus scripts up to this point. The director, on the other hand, actually has a few good titles on his record. He directed "Con Air" in 1997, "The Generals Daughter" in 1999, and "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider" in 2001. So he knows how to film an action movie. He knows how to set ambiance, and make you root for the good guy. But if you put a short one-eyed gimp in a foggy room and have him fight a 3 legged tooth-less chihuahua it wont matter how good the cinematography is.
Jason Statham has been a favorite action star of mine since he popped up in "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels" back in 1998. He's always delivers in hand-to-hand fight scenes, and has mastered the look that says, "I'm just not sure if I can be happy in this scenario." He is the highlight of this movie. He's got a couple of corny jokes, but after movies like "Crank 2: High Voltage" and "Transporter 3" I'm just happy he's working. I don't have much I can say against the guy, even though he has had a few "misses" in his career. Also, Liam Hemsworth has a small role, and I think we're going to see great things from him in the future. But then you have guys like Randy Couture, Terry Crews, and Scott Adkins in this film that earn the title of 'Anchor'. The role that drags the movie down. Couture is a former UFC fighter that dropped into film in 2003. Piggy-backing on Jet Li and rapper DMX to get his start. Since then he has done his best to convince the studios to run away from him as fast as they can. Terry Crews, on the other hand, is actually pretty funny. He has been a secondary comedic relief in movies like "The Longest Yard" and "Balls of Fury". In that role, I take no issue. But the guy hasn't done a movie where he could establish himself as a so-called 'Action Star' in his entire career. I think they put him in this movie because he's big and black. I can't see any other reason. I don't think he even makes jokes in this one. Then you have Scott Adkins. Just.....no.
This movie decided to fully incorporate a few of the 'greats' this time around. Arnold Schwartzenegger, Bruce Willis, and even the amazingly overrated Chuck Norris. When I saw the trailer and Chuck Norris walked on screen I yelled "Sold! I'm seeing it!" Just to see what they would do with him. But here's the problem. Neither Norris or Schwartzenegger did ANYTHING! They walked around and fired a couple guns, but that was it. They didn't even have witty lines. They literally wandered around like 90 year old twins who lost their seeing-eye dogs, and fired low-kick weapons. I was so bummed out by this, I can't find the words to express it. They tossed in a Chinese actress named Nan Yu for....I don't know, arguments of sexism? But she's not convincing as a human being, so don't get your hopes up. The crew even considered giving a role to Charlie Sheen at one point. Just.....just stop. Please.
Dolph Lundgren has a bigger role in this movie, and in it they touch on the fact that he has a mater's in Chemical Engineering, which he actually does. They also threw in a bit about how he gave up that line of work for a girlfriend, which is also true. Wow, how hot is a woman that she can get you to turn down a career in Chemical Engineering to become a bouncer? Even though he seems to have less brain power than a retarted hamster, he makes me smile.
The camera work is fine, though they went with a grainy lens. Likely to add to the 'gritty' look of the film. Unless the film is taking place in the nasty, dirty, underground world of Afghan miners, I don't think this is needed to convey action. The writing was garbage, the sets were bogus and over-analyzed, the cinematography looked like the camera fell into the dirt and wasn't cleaned properly, and the extras added to this cast need to just go home and enjoy a retirement home in Barbados. And yes, they're working on the script for "The Expendables 3" that, so far, include rumors of Jackie Chan, and Wesley Snipes. HooFRICKENray! (actually I love Jakie Chan, so I can't complain too much).
Overall I give this one 1 out of 5 stars. the writing was atrocious, and the acting wasn't any better. You can take a turd and wrap it in foil and put pretty colors and decorations on it, but it's still a turd. This is a great one to rent and mock with your friends. I say Keep Stallone far away from the writers room. Keep Statham, Li, Lundgren, and Willis and I'll see the next one.
This was fun! Maybe I'll whine about movies more often. Have any you can think of? Email me at entertaindave@gmail.com and follow me on Twitter @entertaindave
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