My brother in-law comes home and says, "Hey man! Let's watch this guaranteed failure!" I obliged, since I love a good bad movie. So, with that in mind, here we go...
G.I. Joe: Retaliation
Starring Dwayne Johnson, Jonathan Pryce, and Byung-Hung-Lee
Overview: The elite force known as the "Joes" are headed back into enemy territory. After an arduous mission, it seems they can finally declare "Mission successful!" until a squad of unmarked aircraft attack their base and wipe them all out. Or did they? Now the few remaining Joes must attempt to clear their names and deliver justice to those responsible.
Review: The first G.I. Joe movie ("G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra") was the epitome of a "garbage" film. So when I heard they were doing a sequel, I was very sad that enough people had approved it to the point where it could actually be filmed. Then I saw the trailer and started to get a little excited. There is a scene depicted where 15-20 Power Ranger-looking ninjas fight to the death on a cliffside. They kung fu each other while swinging on ropes like a bad ass Cirque de Solei. That appealed to my adventurous side. Then I saw that Bruce Willis was making an appearance. I love Bruce Willis, so that hooked me.
My brother in-law and I sat down and flipped it on and within 5 minutes the amount of bad jokes made me want to cry. I have to give an example! Dwayne Johnson is talking to a news reporter from Fox News and the exchange goes thusly.
Dwayne - "Who are you supposed to be?"
Reporter - "I'm Bethany from Fox News"
Dwayne - "Well you ARE fair and balanced"
God help us all.
The one major drawback for me, going in, is that I am not familiar with the original tv show or storyline. So I have no idea who Cobra Commander, or Snake Eyes, or Blockhead McCrazyface are. I was told it is similar to watching "Mortal Kombat" and not knowing who Lu Kang or Sub Zero are. You lose a major element to the story. So here I am thinking I'm going to get to see a solid military action film, and they lead with (essentially) super heroes in cryogenic tubes. Well....credible military action film DENIED! The movie was peppered with characters no one cares about, emotional scenes that weren't emotional in the slightest, and gun fire that looked like something out of a 1980s alien flick. The scene with the cliff-fighting ninjas was cool, except for the fact that Snake Eyes was the only one who seemed to be able to slice through a rope. Every ninja had a sword, but only Snake Eyes knew how to swing it and not look like a panicking paraplegic.
Arnold Vasloo (Imotep from "The Mummy") is billed as the villain. However, he is impersonating someone, so his face is in MAYBE 1.3 minutes of the 110 minute movie. Which really bummed me out because he's a decent villain, and they shot his acting ability through his heart of hearts. Then you have the main girl in the movie (Adrienne Palicky) who went out of her way to make sure her hair and make-up were done after every action sequence. On top of that, she was WAY too "girly" to portray a spec ops agent. At no point did I ever believe she had seen 5 minutes of actual "action". I have to give it to The Rock, though. He acted the crap out of his role. His role was just poorly written. There was a joke exchange between The Rock and Channing Tatum that made me laugh out loud, but that was really it for the jokes. So I motion that the writers walk to Sparta and have Gerard Butler scream at them and kick them in the chest and fall down the hole.
Overall I have to low-ball this one and give it a 1 out of 5. It's a great movie to rent and mock with your friends. Dwayne Johnson does his best to turn a crappy script into gold, and Channing Tatum does what he always does and makes you question why his parents ever got together. I vote to avoid this one at mostly all costs.
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