One of the things I enjoy doing is throwing on the comfy pants, downing a 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, stuffing my face with Cool Ranch Doritos, and doing all of that while watching a new interesting movie on Netflix. Whether it's good or bad, I enjoy the time in my nothing box.
With that in mind...
Assault on Wall Street (2013) R - Action/Drama
Starring Dominic Purcell, Erin Karpluk, and Edward Furlong
Overview - Jim Baxford (Purcell) is a hard working American. His wife is diagnosed with a deadly disease. The treatments cost more than they have, but they can rely on their savings and investments. Or can they? When the company that holds their notes goes belly-up, so do the investments. Throw in a house in foreclosure, overdue bills, and no hope for a better job, how is a man to react?
Review - 2 words should sum up this review. Uwe Boll. He is hailed as the single worst director in the history of film. This movie is brought to us on a tiny budget, and an even smaller effort on the part of Mr. Boll. He is responsible for such garbage films as "In the Name of the King (1 and 2)", "Farcry", and "Bloodrayne (1 and 2)". Every film he has put forth, save maybe 1 or 2 have lost significant amounts of money. He has a hard time finding simple things like plot, cinematographic shots, and actors who give a flying fig. I was talking to my brother in-law (he knows more about movies than the people who make them) and he was telling me about a weird German tax law relating to cinema. Apparently, if you invest in a movie, and it fails, you get a significant tax write-off. So Uwe goes before the rich and famous German natives and gets all the funding he needs. That's why a director who has less success than our President keeps making movies.
So let's talk acting. Dominic Purcell co-starred in the hit tv drama "Prison Break" alongside dope-faced Wentworth Miller, who couldn't act if his life depended on it. He stole the spotlight as the only character you walk away remembering outside of the incredibly creepy Robert Knepper (T-Bag), and the hot girl-next-door Sarah Wayne Callies. I have no issue with Mr. Purcell. He was 3rd chair in the 2011 film "KIller Elite, and I thought he held his own next to Clive Owen and Jason Stathom. The problem, as we saw with Natalie Portman in "Star Wars: Episode III", is that no matter how good the actor is, if you're dealing with an atrocious script, and a director who could hardly direct traffic, the movie will suck hardcore donkey junk. As far as the other actors go, there were no notable support roles for this film. Erin Karpluk played his sick and struggling wife. She wasn't in much of the movie, and the parts she was in were pretty much just her crying. She has spent her whole career in made-for-tv movies, so we can't expect her to be the next Sandra Bullock. Edward Furlong.......blech.
The film was ripe with shadows of the microphone, reflections of the camera and crew in the mirrors and car windows, and people forgetting to bring not just their A-game but....ANY game, really. The movie is supposed to follow Purcell as he suffers loss, and reacts with violence. He blames the banks for his problems, so he wants to murder them. Don't get me wrong, I'm almost ready to take up arms alongside of him against those dope-smokin morons. However, the movie is set to follow his emotion, and climax with him going into a vicious rage and killing countless dozens of rich-off-the-poor folks. Instead, the alleged intelligent Mr. Boll decided to have him kill one, then plan more, then kill another, then plan more, etc etc, and so on. Good Lord please take me now. When the climax of the movie is more boring than the opening credits, you have a movie made by Uwe Boll. In case any of you have missed the subtle hints, I am not a very big fan of Uwe Boll.
The dink-face didn't even know how to utilize camera cuts. Throughout this whole movie there are scenes like watching a guy cross a street for almost 45 straight seconds with no cut. Or, my personal favorite, 2 guys having coffee in a coffee house during mid-morning traffic and no one is in the shop besides them. Not only does that make no sense, except that maybe people saw Uwe Boll and ran for their lives. But the part that really got to me was that they set up a camera on a tripod and just moved it back and forth when the characters would speak. They wouldn't cut the shots at all, just movie the camera back and forth. Oh dear Lord! Go to directing school and learn how to apologize for sucking at life!
As some of you know, my gauge for movies is 0 - 5 Stars. Every so often a movie comes along (Ex: "Birdemic: Shock and Terror"/"War of the Worlds 2") that earns the garbage tag. Ladies and gents, this one earns a big fat GARBAGE. What that essentially means is that if I find out you watched this movie without the intention of mocking it, I will kidnap you and tape your eyelids open while I make you watch a 48 hour loop of me shaving my butt.
Comments? Suggestions? Butt shaving advice? Email me at entertaindave@gmail.com and follow me on Twitter
No comments:
Post a Comment